I often fall into bad cycles of insomnia – a sort of weird situation where my brain just won’t shut down even though my body craves rest. I wind up sitting around, reading news stories and Facebook posts, playing word games and generally wasting time. Just kind of staring into space, sucking in useless information (Chelsea Clinton’s gonna have a baybeeeeeee!) and not really even processing it. I’ll eat strange things, wander the house and obsess over non urgent and trivial matters.
Shoot – if I am going to have insomnia at least I could be productive. Lately, in fact, it’s getting worse – I’m staying up later, doing less and giving myself a major guilt trip over it. It goes something like this:
You promised that you would write one post every day.
No you ain’t.
…Um yes I am, and by the way who the hell do you think you are? Oh wait — nevermind.
You promised that you would do the dishes. You promised to go to bed at 10.
Even Oz thinks I’m screwed, but me I am not even sure it’s insomnia, versus the simple fact that I like staying up late. It feels right. Unfortunately, that type of lifestyle isn’t possible. I know that if I can break out of the routine permanently, I could establish a better workout routine, be healthier, get more done and be more helpful around the house.
But I can’t. Or, well, I can — but it’s really hard to do. All of which makes me realize that the hardest thing to do in this life, on this rock, is to change a habit permanently and for the positive. It is amazing how much our brains – our biology – crave the habit of similar steps taken and rebel against a change to the established expectation of certain sequences.
Breaking through the iron-clad gates of your desire for the old same old takes small steps, little victories and relentless consistency. For me, the next challenge to break through those gates must be the late night blues.